Lets just say we got to the point where I asked God: 'Did we get it wrong?' and I thought 'NO! We didn't. We just need a miracle, God!' and long story short, we got one. 
We are headed to MIAMI beginning of August. 
It has been quite the whirlwind of telling people... telling my students is so hard and sad... and thinking about the friends I will leave... 
But I am so excited that all these dreams are really truly moving forward. I DID IT! WE DID IT!!!!
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Strange to say that its been almost eight weeks since my audition, and my last post. I'm still coming to terms with it all, and still without a clear answer as to whats next! I borrowed a student's case for the flight since mine is heavy and the handles are falling apart... and yes, bought a ticket for Scubba the Cello... and flew with Gene to Miami! I warmed up at the airbnb early Saturday morning and did my covid screen check in then we went to campus. I was able to practice about an hour. Forgot my cello strap and made Gene go back for it (points for Gene!) and then I had the audition. I feel the nerves in my stomach remembering waiting outside in the hallway... pacing, swinging my arms to stay loose. 
Played a page of Finzi slow movement, and the Bach prelude. No memory slips! 

After I had a little down time to call family and such, then met with some of the faculty and chatted... 
I don't need to share all of that... because maybe thats personal to them or me... what I didn't expect (as in the prescreen video) was the exhaustion, the let down, the depression, that followed my audition. It was partly how hard I had been working. It was partly how it really sunk in that there were zero funded positions available... so no matter how hard I worked or what I accomplished, there was not funding. It was also partly that I am a country girl and the city was over the top overwhelming for me emotionally. Even going to the beach I was very low and discouraged... Over the next two days I tried to pull it together. I slept a lot, I ran in warm beautiful Coral Gables and tried to congratulate myself... Gene had his things to do Monday, and we flew home on Tuesday... I wondered if I wouldn't want to play. I did take a break, but I didn't want to lose all that facility and being in shape I worked so hard for. So I have been practicing... some... I've spent the last two months digging into my teaching studio, making sure to invest after being less present for awhile. We've had a practice project competition and my personal project for cello was to put 14 hours into Finzi I. I'm almost there. 

After about seven weeks of waiting Gene and I both received 50% tuition which was good and bad news that felt like they cancelled each other out. Appeals have been ongoing and our tuition was raised to 60%. We still can't possibly afford that. It feels that this is the last week of appeal. We should know now very soon. We continue to hope... and wonder what's next... I've had the thought that I won't try again after this... The cost of traveling to do the audition wiped out my savings, and put me behind financially two months in addition.... I've recovered and put more time into running... Friends paid for me to go to the New Directions Cello Festival so I am really excited about that. Going for the audition really opened up my being open to more possibilities out in the world and changed my sense of being a 'cellist in the past' to 'being one now in the present', and that FEELS GOOD. I want to hold onto that. The financial scenario of what it means to pursue this dream is devastatingly discouraging and stressful. 
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I miss mom. I missed not being able to tell her about the audition, and each step since then as we try to hold on. I imagine her being hopeful and reminding me how everything worked out for me in the past. I told my therapist how I wasn't too emotional the day of the audition even though it was the memorial of her burial. I was wondering about what that meant about me, and she said 'maybe that's because she was right there with you.'

Today is the Eve Eve of my audition. It is day 181 of focused work preparing for this day... 
I am excited, tired, and looking forward to its conclusion. We fly tomorrow. It is 7:48pm. I am packed, did many of the household things to prepare for leaving, including bringing some wood down the hill and splitting the small pile of logs left, and bringing in wood to the house, filling our neighbors woodbox.

Now it is time to practice. Yesterday morning was such a good focused session, and now I have to create the space for my unfocused mind and clunky feeling body. My shoulders are tight and a bit sore. 

Day 180:  about 3 hours but breaks in there... 
Day 179:  1.33
Day 178:  1.15

I need to warm up playing... I need to do a little thumb position intonation work... I need to review memory... I need to play through Allemande...  Odd how it can feel like I must have forgotten everything when my body feels like this, but I still know what I did yesterday...

In the morning I need to do some lite weights and stretches... drones and yampolsky... we'll see... 
Gene gave me a shoulder run to start to loosen up, then I did a 5 min full body stretching video, then a 5 min meditation recording where I stretched some more and tried to listen to my body... listening to music for focus while writing and lit a candle... Sometimes it takes some work to get there.  
okay, 7:55 pm. Here I go. 

Oh, PS, I will have to wear a mask I think, so going to practice in one tonight. 

Friday 2 hours
Saturday 0 but played prelude for new student
Sunday play through for S, about 45 min. practicing
​unfocused
grieving 
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10:27pm
Lost.
Feeling Lost.
This is the best description for what my grief feels like.
I also feel lost about practicing and my strategy but I keep going...
Tomorrow's plan:
7-8AM - Mirror, Drones, Matz, Yampolsky
3-5pm - Bach: Prelude: getting into thumb position, the C# thumb moment, the third page memory spot, the Emajor memory spot, play with music for musicality. Identify less and more spots for dynamics.
Allemande - very slow, and also with metronome, spots
Gigue - very slow spots, bounce, watch dance videos for Gigue...
Play through Rheinberger... research him. 
Finzi - II go through all the big shifts, our favorite spots for intonation and double stops...  III memory tasks.., record and work... 
Decide about another session in the evening when you get there. 
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165: played for P who had ideas... and in two of my lessons... not great with lack of focus... 
166: I think I practiced a few hours but I don't remember! 
167: Practiced about 1  1/2 hrs then Run through for D and D... Pretty good... some memory slips but got back on, was self-conscious of my face for the first time. Getting used to the 9:30 go time.
168: taught, but rest day from practicing... 
169: About 2 hours... didn't keep track... 
170: Practiced about 50 min. Had medical massage for an hour. painful. pettichae. grief. feeling lost. Did about 20 minutes or more on memory tasks... piano, singing, drawing... 
171: Practiced about 1.15 then run through for J. went well. more controlled and relaxed. less emotional but thats probably ok...
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Yesterday -Day 164- I put in another 3 hours! YAY!!! Balloons!!! Good Job!!

Today is day 165. I'm feeling a little bored with working on the same pieces and the same problems, and unsure if I am making progress. I wanted to do a play through for someone today but didn't get my ducks in a row. 
So... 

The best question so far when I don't know what to do... What would I tell a student?

#1 is Being Healthy mentally/emotionally/physically.... so go ahead and take time to notice and address any of these issues... you did this over the week end with your mental health and that was wise and now you can move forward. Even though you've lost a little of the mental picture for the audition you are still in the game fighting for it. fighting to be prepared... Your shoulder is acting up... take time to do yoga today and be cautious about how much you practice. Do not practice cold Esther!... take time for exercise and personal time as well as practicing... 
#2 You Still have things that aren't working... Stay on it! Make a list if you need clarity. Target several of these in very specific/intentional/focused ways. Keep asking: Why isn't this working? What am I missing? What element am I not good at yet? Again (for the 151st time) is okay! Keep recording small sections and listening back and practicing right then what you don't like. 
#3 Boredom can take away from the joy and productivity. So deal with it. Practice those elements that aren't working away from the music... improvise/scales/arpeggios/etude... Rotate pieces to help with the boredom part. Which song do you need a break from today. Sometimes the tea needs to seep anyway... 
No need to overdo it and be irritable and negative. This is about right notes but also conquering yourself and being inspired to share... 
#4 Schedule a play through for two people this week end... anything even if not ideal, don't worry about the time or how/who it is... 
#5 If you really don't know what to practice imagine yourself the night before the audition, what do you wish you felt more solid on? or had practiced more? Do that. Terry King said once to practice anything you don't feel confident about. And if you only did one simple thing... sit down and play one section very slowly with mind ON. Self ON. Emotions ON. TURN UP THE ESTHER ATTENTION. Its okay if 3 hours isn't the right thing today. Its not okay to check out. 
#6 You are still feeling guilty about losing the emotional connection last week end and going to a bad place and needing to take time out to deal with it. If you don't let go of that it will ruin the rest of your preparation. You have 6 hours behind you clearing the crap, today is going to be a more productive day. You have run throughs ahead of you... you have another whole week of solid practice time and then the week of the audition for space and inspiration and time off from teaching. This week you need to keep attacking the problem spots. This week you need to get in some more run throughs. This week you need to not let Esther get in the way. Its not about minutes its about not giving up. If you don't feel the focus and motivation work anyway. Do not let go. Fight if not inspired and Seek ways to rekindle that.
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Now make a plan for your practicing then forget about cello and do other stuff. 

Day 160:  1.15
Day 161: 27 minutes 
Day 162: REST DAY... had some mental health issues flare up over the week end. My hopes for four hours on Friday and four hours on Saturday didn't happen. Had a session with my therapist... a lot of rest...
Day 163: Back at it... hard today, things felt hard physically and mentally... not sure what to work on, not sure how to use my time... awkward... but put in the time. 3 hours. I feel like I'm barely back to where I was Friday morning rather than further ahead, but I did sort out one or two memory issues... 
What to do tomorrow... I feel foggy about how to work. Recording and playing back is useful. Maybe just more of that and all the spots... AGAIN... AGAIN...
hmmm...
Put in the time. Try. 
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Sometimes it helps to make a plan with actual timing. This helped me to dig in and get some real work done on Tuesday. I didn't follow this exactly, things took more time than predicted but I did a lot of work and knowing I had to end at a specific time and having a schedule meant that if I didn't stay on track I wouldn't get to things... 4 hours for Day 157!

Day 158:  1 hour
Day 159:   Today I practiced for 40 minutes and then did a play through for P and E. I played at the time of my audition: 9:30AM. I got up an hour earlier than usual and tried to be warmed up and ready to go... its early for that kind of playing! The play through went well... breakthrough ideas on things to prepare for (where to put the stand with an audience?!... what to hear in my head during rests... I need to hold onto my pulse more... I can look at my hands and that helps with the memory!... In general I was a lot more loose for this play through, and I put a lot of emotional energy and focus into my playing. I had memory slips but was able to find a way forward eventually... Same hard spots, some new ones... Hard to play the Andante Quieto for people and not freak out and miss all my shifts! Hard!  I was worn out afterwards and had that -I just did a very hard thing- feeling thats overwhelmed and sad and needs the cozy chair and to be taken care of. I was sad that I needed to teach for the afternoon instead of just have the rest of the day off after that! I'm feeling the need for so much more recovery space/rest/time and struggling to give it to myself because I also used my cushion bank account budget money to buy plane tickets for the audition... and I don't want to let people down. I have cancelled a few lessons, and will continue to do so...  but its not enough...
​Practiced again 50 minutes tonight. 

Gene left me a note on my cello chair. He has been so supportive always of my journey and I am so grateful for him. He has patiently listened to run throughs and never questioned when I said I needed to get in another half hour, or neglected things I usually do around the house... 

Day 150  2.15
Day 151   3?
Day 152   3hrs and 15 min  Very thoughtful and productive practice day... "retreat practice day"... mirror, drones, arpeggios... recording... score... details... 
Day 153   1.13
Day 154   Play through for P and B 
Day 155 Rest Day  Was so burnt out after this week. Mentally and Emotionally spent... 
Day 156  Decided to take off today as well until evening... did 1 hour working on Prelude memory and some Finzi