Strange to say that its been almost eight weeks since my audition, and my last post. I'm still coming to terms with it all, and still without a clear answer as to whats next! I borrowed a student's case for the flight since mine is heavy and the handles are falling apart... and yes, bought a ticket for Scubba the Cello... and flew with Gene to Miami! I warmed up at the airbnb early Saturday morning and did my covid screen check in then we went to campus. I was able to practice about an hour. Forgot my cello strap and made Gene go back for it (points for Gene!) and then I had the audition. I feel the nerves in my stomach remembering waiting outside in the hallway... pacing, swinging my arms to stay loose.
Played a page of Finzi slow movement, and the Bach prelude. No memory slips!
After I had a little down time to call family and such, then met with some of the faculty and chatted...
I don't need to share all of that... because maybe thats personal to them or me... what I didn't expect (as in the prescreen video) was the exhaustion, the let down, the depression, that followed my audition. It was partly how hard I had been working. It was partly how it really sunk in that there were zero funded positions available... so no matter how hard I worked or what I accomplished, there was not funding. It was also partly that I am a country girl and the city was over the top overwhelming for me emotionally. Even going to the beach I was very low and discouraged... Over the next two days I tried to pull it together. I slept a lot, I ran in warm beautiful Coral Gables and tried to congratulate myself... Gene had his things to do Monday, and we flew home on Tuesday... I wondered if I wouldn't want to play. I did take a break, but I didn't want to lose all that facility and being in shape I worked so hard for. So I have been practicing... some... I've spent the last two months digging into my teaching studio, making sure to invest after being less present for awhile. We've had a practice project competition and my personal project for cello was to put 14 hours into Finzi I. I'm almost there.
After about seven weeks of waiting Gene and I both received 50% tuition which was good and bad news that felt like they cancelled each other out. Appeals have been ongoing and our tuition was raised to 60%. We still can't possibly afford that. It feels that this is the last week of appeal. We should know now very soon. We continue to hope... and wonder what's next... I've had the thought that I won't try again after this... The cost of traveling to do the audition wiped out my savings, and put me behind financially two months in addition.... I've recovered and put more time into running... Friends paid for me to go to the New Directions Cello Festival so I am really excited about that. Going for the audition really opened up my being open to more possibilities out in the world and changed my sense of being a 'cellist in the past' to 'being one now in the present', and that FEELS GOOD. I want to hold onto that. The financial scenario of what it means to pursue this dream is devastatingly discouraging and stressful.
I miss mom. I missed not being able to tell her about the audition, and each step since then as we try to hold on. I imagine her being hopeful and reminding me how everything worked out for me in the past. I told my therapist how I wasn't too emotional the day of the audition even though it was the memorial of her burial. I was wondering about what that meant about me, and she said 'maybe that's because she was right there with you.'
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