Day 49 
Day 48   1  1/2 hours  Very productive evening session. I didn't want to stop.
Day 47    2 hours and 7 minutes 
Day 46    zero day. freezer technician, landlord... my morning busted! 
Day 45    1 hour 

Day 41 I went for a run early and then practiced. Such a physically different feeling than the night before. I felt loose and easy, even smooth. On this day I had some other crap going on in life and a lot of anger. I did quite a bit of practicing, in between texting a friend for advice and venting and ruminating and... then in the evening I talked to a professor about a prospective program. Lets just say that it did not go well and afterwards I was in tears and very discouraged. I cried and cried and cried... 
Day 42 Still upset from all the things, but also telling myself that one person at one school's opinion is not what matters. They don't know me. They have never heard me play. They don't know what's important to me... So I did practice some...    .52 minutes. 
Day 43 Rest Day
Day 44 I journaled about how I felt like I wasted a lot of time this week... being human... obsessing over things... a lot of sadness, anger, other sadness... a rough week emotionally. Just went through a piece for a concert in November and will start the audition work again tomorrow. I wrote that cello Esther is happy, but wants more hours towards the end of the week. I'm looking at my calendar and thinking TOO FULL!!! and also, that I need to be employed more... Needing to practice more time. What I worked on was productive but not enough to meet my deadlines. Its a long haul! 

37 I got 3 hours!
38 2 hours
39 1.15
DAY 40!!!  20 minutes. Man, after a long day I tried to practice and I was tense, tight; it was not working and it felt bad. The kind of bad that feels like you can hurt yourself and just waste the time. SO. I let it go. Tomorrow. 
I did work on the narrowing down the schools and emailing etc yesterday and today. That takes an unreasonable amount of energy for me. Perhaps one of the ways I am an introvert. 

Day 32 I did it but don't remember the details. haha. 
Day 33 practiced in between teaching and cleaning the house. Good practice. Maybe an hour and a half?
Day 34 I anticipated not practicing while my Dad was visiting, but he was content to read in the evening so I did! I worked on fingering the next section in Finzi first movement, reviewed what I had worked on already, practiced some of the third movement, then worked on the Allemande and a little prelude. Maybe an hour and a half?.. Also did scales with a student earlier in the day. 
Day 35 Another evening with time to practice while Dad read. Did about 45 minutes. Worked on my hard spots pages... Finzi first movement... got stuck on m.121-133. not sure about fingering but tried it several times. Reviewed everything else I'd worked on. Practiced third movement some spots... a little Fazil Say... then some Allemande and played through all of the Prelude. The prelude felt hard. Physically awkward and difficult. 
Day 36 Rest Day 
Day 37 Feldenkreis video today talked about asking at what point something becomes difficult. I practiced one page of hard spots asking myself 'Is this hard?' 'What about it is hard?' 'At what point does it become hard?' I was surprised to answer that none of these things were hard. What was hard physically was holding my arms up in thumb position. I was getting fatigued. And also pressing down in very high positions with string height... So the hard spots aren't hard, they are less familiar and the motion isn't memorized... it was a different approach.  
Today is Monday, so I'm wanting a plan for the week, but also feeling a but unmoored. I need to keep up my intentional daily memorization of the third movement and also now the first movement. Doing both simultaneously is unnerving and perhaps stupid. I need a more specific plan. And also for getting the Bach ready to perform and also the Fazil Say. 
Intentions:
Each Day:
Start practice day with Feldenkrais video, and warmup with those thoughts in mind. 
One page of thumb position exercises 2x
Some other kind of scales/technique for 5 or more minutes
Hard spots pages
fingering for another section in movement F 1 and review what I've already worked on. A lite memory challenge
F3 Something intentional for a section I have not memorized. Something intentional for the entire thing memory. Practice spots. 
Some FSay... playing through spots, practicing a measure, familiarizing with intention...
ALSO Choose some chunks of relaxed time throughout the week to focus in on Bach... plan a Bach practice retreat somewhere... 
No wasted practice time. Be intentional. Not just playing through... this is the time to address problems. be aware. fix things. practice slow and mindful. 
Also, maybe some rewards, and some deadlines, play for people...
I feel sleepy!! NO!!!!! have so much work to do!!! 

"IF YOU FEEL STRONG RESISTANCE, BACK OFF AND GO SMALLER" (Stephen Guise Mini Habits; Smaller Habits, Bigger Results)
I woke up feeling anxious, down, and discouraged about running and celloing this morning so I didn't want to get out of bed. I let myself sleep in a little, then took my supplements and started journaling. My wonderful husband brought me some caffeinated tea and made me an egg for breakfast. I have a book by my bed I started reading many months ago and picked it up today and was struck so much by this statement: "IF YOU FEEL STRONG RESISTANCE, BACK OFF AND GO SMALLER"... I read several pages in this book and it turned my attitude around completely.

Firstly, some mistakes last week... 
Another principle in the book is  "BE HAPPY WITH ALL PROGRESS". "REWARD YOURSELF OFTEN..." In my effort to motivate myself last week I put out a reward. I practiced 10 hours which was more than I had in a long time. It was huge progress. And I worked hard at specific goals and made a lot of progress! I worked hard on days I felt sick and sad and I got a lot done! But I focused on not making my goal at the end of the week instead of celebrating. I punished myself because I didn't quite get there... Gene pointed out that I needed to reward myself for all that work not just focus on the final two hours I didn't do. His friend likes to say: "ITS NOT HOW MUCH YOU DO ITS HOW MUCH YOU GET DONE". Also on this thought from Guise is the rule: "PUT EXTRA ENERGY AND AMBITION TOWARD BONUS REPS, NOT A BIGGER REQUIREMENT. IF YOU'RE ANXIOUS TO MAKE BIG PROGRESS, POUR THAT ENERGY INTO YOUR BONUS REPS. BIGGER REQUIREMENTS LOOK GOOD ON PAPER, BUT ONLY ACTION COUNTS. BE THE PERSON WITH EMBARRASSING GOALS (as in so small) AND IMPRESSIVE RESULTS INSTEAD OF ONE OF THE MANY PEOPLE WITH IMPRESSIVE GOALS AND EMBARRASSING RESULTS."  "BEING HAPPY WITH SMALL PROGRESS IS DIFFERENT FROM HAVING LOW STANDARDS".

Because I wanted to increase my time practicing and increase my productivity and commitment to my goal, I increased the requirement of time spent. This helped me to prioritize cello last week, but it also put success on time rather than getting to the instrument at all... On Saturday I would have practiced some if I had not had the two hour deficit in mind. Instead I did none. Yesterday when I did 25 minutes at the end of my day I considered it not very good instead of being happy with the good work I did that furthered my progress through the Finzi concerto, and continuing the habit so I would be ready to work today.  
Today I woke up feeling incapable, but as soon as I thought about little goals, impossibly stupidly small goals I was ready to go! Excited, even. This morning I got my cello out just to do anything and I was happy about that. A scale was my goal. What actually happened is that I jumped directly into Finzi first movement and have been practicing in a very targeted way in small steps. Only what feels attainable. "WHEN IT SOUNDS STUPID, THAT MEANS YOUR BRAIN IS GIVING THE GO-AHEAD. THESE "STUPPID SMALL" STEPS SLIDE UNDER THE BRAINS RADAR LIKE AN EXPERT JEWEL THIEF AVOIDS SECURITY CAMERAS AND TRIP SENSORS." As I go I make a list of additional small steps... even ones that feel too stupid to put on a list, so when I go back to my cello after writing this I have ideas... nothing so overwhelming as 'practice for three hours', 'learn the next page  of Finzi concerto', or 'practice well'... but precise action steps towards progress. Today I won't be keeping a timer of my minutes. I've already made my goal, its all extra reps from here!
"EVERY GIANT ACCOMPLISHMENT IS MADE UP OF VERY SMALL STEPS ANYWAY, AND TO TAKE THEM ONE AT A TIME IS NOT NOT WEAK, BUT PRECISE."

This week end I am feeling the first of fatigue in my journey. After a lot of motivation, I feel flat, and discouraged. On Saturday (day 28) I had a very full day of teaching, and taking groceries to my friend in quarantine. Then Sunday was my day off... I didn't make my 12 hours so I didn't feel I could take the extra day today but I felt unmotivated and tired... It was a long week and I didn't give myself all the things I needed... not enough time outside, and other Esther things that help my mental health. SO... I did just 25 minutes on the first movement of Finzi tonight and we'll make a new plan tomorrow... I'm still out here doing this. Its hard, but I'm here. DMA audition journey day 30! 

Monday Day 23 I hit 3 hours! This felt really amazing, especially since I started in the afternoon. I just made it my #1 priority, and I allowed myself to include feldenkreis and any memorizing activities... 
Tuesday 1.45! Played for my friend Laura and she talked to me about memorizing the shape of my hand... the fingering... and moving from one place to another... patterns and positions. This got me over the hump of not being able to retain the prayer chords in the beginning. Its helping a lot. 
Wednesday 2.15! 
We are doing this! Yes! 
My plan for Wednesday was three hours but I had a migraine headache and it was hard. I did some copying out of the notation, playing on piano, listening with score, and practicing. I was frustrated that I didn't make three hours because I had the time... I just didn't feel good!
Thursday 1.28 Still had the migraine. Went back to bed... hard to focus... not motivated... so finally just quit trying. But still an hour and a half! Thats good!
Friday 1.30 Busy teaching day today. Got in a good warm up before my morning lessons then had a gig this afternoon. Good practice session tonight. Oct. 1 so Started the first movement! Still trying to memorize the last movement. Getting there slowly. As I get closer I am more aware of the bowing as I play and using it to my advantage. Laura also talked to me about being dependent on some kind of cueing. I wrote out a basic map of a section where I wrote just the rhythm and some bowing and that was a huge stepping stone for memorizing. Taking away a lot of information, but giving me cues that made me successful. But I have to learn to work without external cues. Tonight I found that I could play by memory so much better when I watched my reflection in the window. NO! Another cueing! I am fearful of not having any cues so I don't want to even try playing from memory. I see this in my students too. We must TRY! We must do! Play without any cues that aren't in your own mind!! I tried visualizing myself like the mirror reflection but in my head with my eyes closed. This helped some and could be a good strategy for performance anxiety as well. 
I feel like the mountain of memorization is so big... so many pieces and movements that are not yet memorized... So I just keep muddling through. I still feel like I lack focus, but I am working, am trying to put in the time and hone in what I am needing to do to reach this goal. I do feel proud of learning that last movement in one month. Its not up to tempo, but I can really play 99% of it.  Its better each day.