Dec. 1 was the deadline for prescreen videos. Wednesday. On Monday I set up the video on the computer and got it done. It was hard. I think I got about 85 % of what I could do. My motto for the day was: 'My Best Is Good Enough'. Today I will give it my best and video it and it is good enough. I wore a warm hat in the video. It was cold. I kept turning the heater off so it wouldn't make noise. I expected to feel excited, relieved when I was done. Instead I felt drained. Exhausted. I told myself I could take Tuesday and Wednesday completely off. That felt good! I had time to do some things I haven't in a long time. Thursday I even made cookies! I can't remember when I made cookies last... a year? Dec.1 was the lowest I have been in a long time... sigh. The pre-screen video came after being with family for Thanksgiving, traveling, grieving... and took so much emotional energy.
When I realized how drained I was on Monday I tried to take care of myself, rest, relax... but I couldn't stop the train. Thursday Dec.2 was better, and I improved... Saturday I went to Florida to visit my brother and family. I took my music to work on during the flights and waiting in airports, but I only touched it for a few minutes. I'm back now and I am just not motivated at all. Part of it is not knowing if I will be given an audition. Part of it is just being burned out. Wanting to do Christmas things, and home stuff... and grieving. Today I tried to pick out an ornament I could give everyone that said something about Mom and I started crying really hard and feeling panicky. I wasn't sure I could get from there to teaching later in the day, but somehow I did... There is an underlying layer of sadness under happy times, and laughing, and loving, and teaching, and cello.
Another feeling I had after the audition was the sense that my confidence had been dissolved... that the process of preparing showed so clearly my faults... and with thinking about schools came thinking about other cellists... and feeling like I had little to offer and so much to learn... that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't get there... and how on earth will I prepare an audition... I felt completely demoralized. But I got it in. The only chance I have of getting accepted is applying so here we go. "If you don't aim at something you will hit nothing."
I have an idea of what I might need to do to prepare an audition now, but the size of that task is so big I feel totally unable to move forward. I think I need some time off... and I need to keep it mini for awhile... not stop, just back way way off... Stay with it but tiny, productive steps...
Here are tiny steps I can take between now and Christmas which will be useful:
Play through the cadenza
Practice my sixths pages
Practice thumb position
Finger the rest of mvnt. III
Play Bach for people!
Listen to Bach
Memorize a measure of something
Practice hard spots
So from now until Christmas I will do one useful, thoughtful thing with my rep. every day.
Ah, I like that plan. We'll see after that!
When I realized how drained I was on Monday I tried to take care of myself, rest, relax... but I couldn't stop the train. Thursday Dec.2 was better, and I improved... Saturday I went to Florida to visit my brother and family. I took my music to work on during the flights and waiting in airports, but I only touched it for a few minutes. I'm back now and I am just not motivated at all. Part of it is not knowing if I will be given an audition. Part of it is just being burned out. Wanting to do Christmas things, and home stuff... and grieving. Today I tried to pick out an ornament I could give everyone that said something about Mom and I started crying really hard and feeling panicky. I wasn't sure I could get from there to teaching later in the day, but somehow I did... There is an underlying layer of sadness under happy times, and laughing, and loving, and teaching, and cello.
Another feeling I had after the audition was the sense that my confidence had been dissolved... that the process of preparing showed so clearly my faults... and with thinking about schools came thinking about other cellists... and feeling like I had little to offer and so much to learn... that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't get there... and how on earth will I prepare an audition... I felt completely demoralized. But I got it in. The only chance I have of getting accepted is applying so here we go. "If you don't aim at something you will hit nothing."
I have an idea of what I might need to do to prepare an audition now, but the size of that task is so big I feel totally unable to move forward. I think I need some time off... and I need to keep it mini for awhile... not stop, just back way way off... Stay with it but tiny, productive steps...
Here are tiny steps I can take between now and Christmas which will be useful:
Play through the cadenza
Practice my sixths pages
Practice thumb position
Finger the rest of mvnt. III
Play Bach for people!
Listen to Bach
Memorize a measure of something
Practice hard spots
So from now until Christmas I will do one useful, thoughtful thing with my rep. every day.
Ah, I like that plan. We'll see after that!
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