This week end I am feeling the first of fatigue in my journey. After a lot of motivation, I feel flat, and discouraged. On Saturday (day 28) I had a very full day of teaching, and taking groceries to my friend in quarantine. Then Sunday was my day off... I didn't make my 12 hours so I didn't feel I could take the extra day today but I felt unmotivated and tired... It was a long week and I didn't give myself all the things I needed... not enough time outside, and other Esther things that help my mental health. SO... I did just 25 minutes on the first movement of Finzi tonight and we'll make a new plan tomorrow... I'm still out here doing this. Its hard, but I'm here. DMA audition journey day 30! 

Monday Day 23 I hit 3 hours! This felt really amazing, especially since I started in the afternoon. I just made it my #1 priority, and I allowed myself to include feldenkreis and any memorizing activities... 
Tuesday 1.45! Played for my friend Laura and she talked to me about memorizing the shape of my hand... the fingering... and moving from one place to another... patterns and positions. This got me over the hump of not being able to retain the prayer chords in the beginning. Its helping a lot. 
Wednesday 2.15! 
We are doing this! Yes! 
My plan for Wednesday was three hours but I had a migraine headache and it was hard. I did some copying out of the notation, playing on piano, listening with score, and practicing. I was frustrated that I didn't make three hours because I had the time... I just didn't feel good!
Thursday 1.28 Still had the migraine. Went back to bed... hard to focus... not motivated... so finally just quit trying. But still an hour and a half! Thats good!
Friday 1.30 Busy teaching day today. Got in a good warm up before my morning lessons then had a gig this afternoon. Good practice session tonight. Oct. 1 so Started the first movement! Still trying to memorize the last movement. Getting there slowly. As I get closer I am more aware of the bowing as I play and using it to my advantage. Laura also talked to me about being dependent on some kind of cueing. I wrote out a basic map of a section where I wrote just the rhythm and some bowing and that was a huge stepping stone for memorizing. Taking away a lot of information, but giving me cues that made me successful. But I have to learn to work without external cues. Tonight I found that I could play by memory so much better when I watched my reflection in the window. NO! Another cueing! I am fearful of not having any cues so I don't want to even try playing from memory. I see this in my students too. We must TRY! We must do! Play without any cues that aren't in your own mind!! I tried visualizing myself like the mirror reflection but in my head with my eyes closed. This helped some and could be a good strategy for performance anxiety as well. 
I feel like the mountain of memorization is so big... so many pieces and movements that are not yet memorized... So I just keep muddling through. I still feel like I lack focus, but I am working, am trying to put in the time and hone in what I am needing to do to reach this goal. I do feel proud of learning that last movement in one month. Its not up to tempo, but I can really play 99% of it.  Its better each day.  
 

Today is Day 23 of my audition practice journey... Yes, I prepared before day 1... but this is the last stretch from now until auditions. Part of this journey is narrowing down the schools to apply to. Unfortunately this week one school was narrowed down after learning that a teacher I was researching had been abusing women. One response to this from a friend was how unfortunately that may be the case at many schools. I'm hoping they are wrong, but also now more interested in the school still on the list with a female teacher. Out of all the schools I am researching for DMA there are only two on the list with female teachers. Very unbalanced field. Once I've closed in on three schools, I need to start the actual application process. Yikes! It is such a time devourer this research process so I am trying to put boundaries and prioritize my practicing. hard...
So this week I am trying a carrot strategy. If I practice 12 hours Monday-Saturday then I get an extra day off next week. I want to do a two day hike and need that second day off! Today I have to practice 3 hours. I'm trying to really work on memory for Finzi and finding myself cutting corners/bored/anxious/impatient with the process of memorizing. Today for memorizing activities I... gave solfege to one measure... drew out in creative details m.139-172 and worked with that section... copied out m.139-159... listened 2x through while doing other things... structure memory cards...played opening two pizzicato sections on piano... I'm trying to play through and look away from the music as I can, try harder to be aware and figure it out and LEARN the music not just READ it... It feels hard to do... requires more effort... noticing my right thumb getting way over cramped/tight...
Day 22 Rest Day
Day 21 Feldenkrais and short practice 30 minutes
Day 20 I was bored with the routine so I jumped in no warm up... something of everything... decent work but more scattered... tried to give lyrics to a section but just couldn't make it work. haha... practiced my hard notes page... harmonics at the end... slow through the chords a few times...   Fazil Say... 

 

​Day 17 2 hours? 
Day 18 1.15 on the cello plus memory game, playing through parts on the piano, etc Good work! 
Day 19 Today started out with a really great warm up of two Feldenkrais videos focusing on shoulder movement. I found ease and good sound... arpeggios... a page of thumb position exercises twice through... feeling good, sounding good... then I did about 20 minutes of work on Finzi: played my page of hard notes that I wrote out, harmonics 10x, chords on the last page slowly, worked on memorizing a section... just really feeling good and in the flow, but then it was time to teach. It is now 9pm and I've been trying to put in another hour but I don't want to be here at the cello... I push through for awhile then decide to try again tomorrow. 

Day 14 Feldenkrais and Arpeggios, a few minutes of Finzi before teaching day... 
Day 15 Rest Day!
 Day 16 2 hours! Monday This week my plan is to start each practice with Feldenkrais video, 5 min Cossman arpeggios, and one page of Cassia H thumb pos. book1. It felt good to do a little more warm up and focus technique work... Finzi rondo...  finished fingering! worked on more full sound and confident phrasing, strong left hand esp third finger for more clarity/strong sound, played through Bach prelude, practiced spots and made a practice list for today... Hadn't played the prelude in about two months. My hands weren't ready for that sustained thumb position. Hand fatigue after practicing two hours! 

Day 12 Feldenkreis, arpeggios, and lots of short repetetive Finzi sessions... a few minutes, then kitchen, a few minutes, then kitchen... I made several kinds of pesto. Good practice day!
Day 13 several lessons, played a fair amount but only about 10 minutes of my own work. Played a bit of Finzi and the Sarabande for a friend.

There have been two days in the last week where grief has shown up with intensity... and I need to take care of myself... couldn't practice... tonight... 

Confession: my practicing isn't going so well... I've been spending time in all the wrong places... wasting time, et. I don't have my routine down and I need more boundaries. Here's what I HAVE done...
Day 6 played for rehearsal. An hour practice?
Day 7 Taught a lot and was exhausted. no practicing. 
Day 8 Rest day from cello. memory cards for Finzi. 
Day 9 Stretching and 5 minute warm-up  plan for this week.  Cossman arpeggios- Yay! Played through the Allemande. Worked on the Sarabande. Sang solfege in Finzi opening two phrases... spots... not very focused but put in about 1 1/2 hours.  Fingered more... worked on hard stuff... big interval shifts... post-it note method...
Day 10 Feldenkrais free workshop day 1. Fantastic prompting asking questions about how parts of our body is connected... 6 minute arpeggios with awareness which felt really good! But I was distracted and my schedule went to crap and... yeh. thats all I got. 

Today I practiced about 40 minutes. I worked on the next chunk in Finzi... fingerings... reviewed up until there, altered a few fingerings in previous sections... sang the opening line in solfege... looked again at what the chords are A Major, D Major, etc... gave words to the big chunks so far... copied a few more lines... listening while doing things.
Decided that September is Finzi 3rd movement... October is Finzi first... November Finzi second... thats a part of a page per day plus reviewing/practicing/memorizing... 
I need to make a plan for Bach, and for my third piece... is Kodaly a good idea still? something else? sonata? Wish I could do Fazil Say but I'd need to take my pianist to Florida to do that... sigh.
I think I need to do about two hours a day on audition material... not there yet, but seriously thats what its going to take. Maybe some cello intensive days here and there more like 6 hours... maybe I could rent that studio space I was told about... for me, not for teaching... huh. I like my practice space at home a lot, but there are lots of other things I can do at home! 

Since starting this documentation and practicing, in the back of my mind while feeling anxious and like this goal is SO BIG! and questionably possible, I've been thinking... but you know how to do this... how would you help a student... Ah... Yes... What would I say to a student wanting to prepare a big goal? 
- Take inventory what exactly is this goal... how many pages/measures of music... what needs to be done... how challenging are the hardest parts... 
- How much time can you commit to practicing for this goal? Is it attainable in this amount of time? 
- What check-in points can we establish in the calendar (playing through, performing a movement for a friend, all fingerings in by this date, etc)
- A plan for how to approach the whole... just start at the beginning? hard parts first? last movement first? scattered sections anywhere as long as we do it???? 
- Tiny chunks for each week/day that fit into that whole... 

Ah, so Esther... how much time...and what check-ins... and whats the plan... and whats today's chunk?

It feels harder to do for myself! 

Day #3
Today I am thinking about how scattered I feel with my process... what parts should I work on when... I spent two hours on setting up the documentation of this process interspersed with about 40 minutes of work on Finzi p. 12 measures 45-72. I put in the first permutation of fingering... identified some of the modulations that the poco meno mosso is transitional material... copied out measures 45-54... intentionally said some of the bowing in my mind as I played... This is the first time I have combined memorizing with learning... I like it... Also, the first time I have started a time of practicing after a long break where I am jumping right to repertoire no scales and such... I'll get to that...